The skills to have healthy conversations about mental health and wellbeing are key to creating a culture where people feel valued, cared for and supported. It is not about having the answers, in fact it is the opposite; it is about asking open questions, showing you care, listening and showing empathy, withholding judgement and then asking what they can do, and you can do.
We are not programmed to ask open questions. It is something that rarely comes naturally to people unless their parents/teachers have modelled this from an early age. People find it difficult to put this skill into practice even when they understand it intellectually; it is almost as if we are battling against our blue print of not wanting to find out more or challenge our ways of seeing things.
Open questions open up our understanding of our world and others. It challenges our beliefs, assumptions and ways of thinking about the world. Open questions can get us to think differently, work out better ways to do things, think about what drives our behaviour and find solutions or ideas to many things.
Here are some open questions (What, How, Tell me more, When, Who) you can ask to have healthy constructive conversations about wellbeing. Try and avoid why questions as they can come across as being critical
Asking the questions above and listening with empathy in a non-judgemental way is key. Also, if you say you will do something or address a concern then not doing so will erode trust and likely lead to the person thinking you don’t care. When people feel cared about, they feel safe and this is likely to minimise their flight or fight or stress hormones.
Active Listening is when you listen by:
[1] The Ladder of Inference is taken from The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook by Peter Senge et al, published by Nicholas Brealey Publishing, and is based on the work of Chris Argyris and Robert Putnam.
Example:
The Observable Data is I see someone crying. I may jump to the top of my ladder to think they are not coping, they are stressed and overwhelmed. They could be crying with joy! I need to acknowledge my jump in thinking and so when talking to the person start with the observable data and then ask open questions to find out more e.g. I can see you are crying, talk to me about how you are feeling.
If you are very concerned about someone’s wellbeing because they are at a crisis point e.g. if they are having a panic attack, cannot get out of bed, are weeping, seeing or hearing things that you cannot, they need to get professional help: